Set Your 2019 - Challenge What The Future Holds

Every year, I start off with a song that I hope will influence my next year. In 2018 it was "Please Don't Stop The Music" by Rihanna & Charo. In 2017, "Starboy" by The Wknd. In 2016, "Are We Out Of The Woods Yet" by Taylor Swift. This year I threw it back with an older song with an amazing message, that for nearly 25 years always comes back into my life when I need it. My song for 2018 is "You Gotta Be" by Des'ree. So let me enter into 2018 solving puzzles in my own sweet time & challenging what the future holds.

2019 is here & I was influenced by the intentional planning for 2019 that my friends Sheri Matthews Kimmel & Lauren Padula did to do my own intention and goal setting. Here goes nothing AND more importantly here goes EVERYTHING.


WHAT AM I PROUD OF IN 2018?
I am proud of opening up about my journey & beginning to blog. I am proud of having committed myself to a focused training regimen under Lauren Padula. I am proud of having run my first FULL MARATHON (no glitz, no glamour, no medal, no closed course, no finish line, no cheer station) all as part of my training & all on my own - proving that I have it in me.

WHAT AM I LEAVING BEHIND IN 2018?
The constant pursuit of a PR. The feeling that I always have to increase the weight load and get more reps in. I still might have it in the back of my head but it will not be a driving force in my fitness journey going forward. This past year I've seen that in constantly chasing something worthy of being celebrated, it was keeping me from fully enjoying the moment & being present in the process.

WHAT ARE MY INTENTIONS / PRIORITIES / AREAS OF FOCUS SET TO DRIVE MY 2019?

1. Fun In Fitness
By no longer chasing a PR or Praise for what I'm doing, it will allow me to go back to finding fun in the act of doing.

2. Transformation
With continuing to lose weight after my chest surgery earlier this year, my Doctors in the USA and in Mexico agreed that the best bet right now would be to maximize the weight loss prior to any abdominal surgery. What this means is Summer of 2019, I will be having a Gastric Bypass surgery instead of excess skin removal. Doing so will help maximize the weight loss by helping me to lose another 70+ pounds, after which in 2020, I'll go in for the full excess skin removal.
This is something I had a very difficult time accepting, as for 5 years I was able to pride myself in losing approximately 140lbs WITHOUT any surgical help or gastric surgery. In working with my doctors and discussing this, I realize the WHY and that in the long run it would be the best option. I'm not going to lie to you and say I'm not scared. Not for the possible complications. I'm more scared of how this will affect my running. With my stomach being reduced by so much, I'm afraid that any hopes for longer distance running will come to a halt due to my inability to fuel up or hydrate enough to sustain myself on those runs. But more on that in a separate email.

3. Body
I have quit my membership to my gym Performance360 & will be transitioning over to The Movement Warehouse to switch up how I train. My new process will focus more on movement, mobility and body mechanics. I want to go back to HIIT training and body weight work to help prepare me for my recovery post surgery. I want to have a clear and better understanding of what my body is capable of. The body is an incredible thing, capable of so much. It's my goal to see just what new ways I can challenge myself this way in the coming year. Whether that be dropping in to dance classes, changing my training & ultimately post surgery and recovery with improved mobility looking more into Animal Flow - possibly attending a seminar.

4. Follow Through
I need to stop making excuses and finish this EP and release it already. After having been raped, I began to write songs as a release. I have three in various stages of completion, but the idea of releasing a product has been terrifying almost as much as the actual act. I'm not sure I'm ready to face it head on in front of people. I don't know if I'll be able to sing the songs. I'm not sure what effect going back to that moment in this way will have on me emotionally... That being said, I know the importance of using my voice and speaking my truth & I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't finish this project and release these songs in hopes that someone else could connect and learn and grow from them.


WHAT'S MISSING IN 2019 INTENTION SETTING, THAT HAS LONG BEEN PRESENT IN PREVIOUS YEARS?

The constant want & search for a relationship. Now before you say I can have it all, let me stop you. I know I can. I've had relationships before the assault & I've attempted to have some kind of semblance of relationships after the assault.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, but when the constant search for something outside of yourself takes you away from being able to live in harmony with the only one who really matters - YOU - then it's time to reexamine. I know 100% I'm still broken & triggered & affected by what happened to me. I know that intimacy terrifies me now. I know that I shut down and begin shaking & want to cry when any sort of intimacy is approached. I acknowledge that I'm not ready for a relationship in a conventional way & I'm ok with that. I also acknowledge that I am more important right now than my desire to be in a relationship & I'm ok with that too. Sometimes things happen to us in life that we don't deserve & that we can't erase, but I have to believe that it's for a reason & that something good HAS to come out of this.

Jan 1, 2019 - I get to call this home