Feel Great. Feel Ugly. Either Way, They're Only Feelings

We all have those moments, those doubts, those past insecurities that come up and rear their ugly heads. We all deal with it in some way, shape or form. I am no different.
I put on a happy face and fake self-esteem better than most people I know. I preach loving yourself to everyone and constantly battle moments where I don't love myself, where I look into the mirror and see a distorted, twisted, damaged and mangled version of the person everyone else sees. It's not everyday, but it's constant enough to where I have to put it all in check.
I forget sometimes who I was and that I'm no longer the same person I've fought so hard to seperate myself from. I forget sometimes how far I've come and how much better I am than I ever thought I would be. I forget that of all the doubters I had breaking me down, the biggest one was me. The loudest voice was my own.
I thought that after the surgery I would not have those feelings again, but I still have moments of feeling insecure. I went from feeling ugly due to the skin I was in, to feeling ugly due to the voices that continued to ring louder - telling me "I know who you really are". Telling me "You can't pretend you're not the same person inside".
It's not everyday, but it is some days. And I smile and laugh and joke and carry on feigning feelings of security in my skin, but it's not always the case. I'm not always confident. I'm not always happy. It's a work in progress and sometimes it's harder than others.
After this past week feeling ugly and holding these feelings inside, I woke up today and told myself this was a different day. I took some time for ME. Do I feel better or less depressed or less self-depricating than before? Not entirely, but even the realization and naming of what I'm feeling is a realization that it is JUST THAT. Feelings. And feelings as hard as they try, will never be truths. My truth is that I am strong, that I am beautiful, that I am loved. My feelings are the contrary, but my feelings are not my truths, nor will they ever be.

Surround Yourself With YOU CAN People

In Fitness AND in all things in life, you have the option of giving it all and doing everything you can... OR doing MORE than "you can". Not only do I choose to push myself, but I choose to surround myself with people who push me to do MORE than I can. This is what went down this past week. Mind you this isn't including football games, soccer games, songwriting sessions, dialing in meal prep and working a full time job.
I didnt lose 140lbs by stopping at what felt right, I didn't finish multiple races by stopping at what I can do. I went beyond and broke that barrier of what I thought was my "I can do only up to THIS" I found my reason and I let my reason be louder than the red lights in my head.
You cant do that. You dont have the right body for that. This is the best you can reach. Well fuck you very much to the voices inside my head - the doubts - the fears - the naysayers. I'm nowhere near the point of the "best" I can reach. And when I DO reach that point... I'm gonna do more.

DIALING IN NUTRITION

If you're anything like me, you don't like being told what to do - you ignore even what you know is right when it's presented because you have this inate need to reach a realization for yourself - you refuse to act on it until you reach a point where you can no longer push it aside. And THAT - that's who I am.
When my trainer, my coaches, my roommate, my friends all told me about meal prepping, I was like yeah ok whatever. I'd rather do three workouts a day. I'd rather run extra miles. I'd rather...... just not eat. Is that ever gonna work? NO! You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it, but even with me knowing it, I tried to do things my way. I bought some meals to make it seem like I cared, to make it seem like I was trying, to paint an image that was not accurate.

After years of reaching 140lbs of weight loss, after years of getting ready for this new me, after going under the knife for the first of what will be 2 - maybe 3 surgeries - I plateaued. I couldn't get beyond where I had reached. This was the moment I knew I had to do what everyone told me I had to do. I had to stop screwing around and accept that 80% of weight loss that is geared upon diet & nutrition was something I was ignoring. I was either eating what I shouldn't or in some cases eating very little or not eating at all because I was too busy, too tired, too stressed, too scared of putting the weight back on. I thought I was the only one who dealt with this. I thought this was something ONLY I deal with.
So after much research, I came to The Clean & Colorful Kitchen. The company is local, fairly new, and when I wanted to dedicate myself to this and stop toying around I was able to count on the reccomendations of not one, not two, not even three - but SEVERAL of my November Project - SD tribe who all actually use CCK for their Meal Prep needs. Week 1 is now underway. And the order has already been placed for Week 2. The meals change every week. New menu items are constantly being developed and created. The food is healthy, delicious, looks good, clean ingrediens. The staff are accessible & available to answer your questions.
And what I really like is that they allow you to order what YOU want from the weekly menu selections. They allow you to order different amounts and such each week. They allow you to pause your order if needed. It works for me.
It's time to stop playing. It's time to break this plateau. I have my goals set & my expectations defined. I'm giving myself two months and I'm glad to have them on my side through this next step of my journey. Stay Tuned!!! Joalby... Is this 4.0 Now?

There Is No RIGHT TIME To Start - Only Now

Working out is not easy - there's always something else you'd rather be doing. There's never an ideal time to start making fitness a priority. You just reach a point where you no longer are happy in the skin you are in, where you no longer want to go through life faking a smile so the world will think you're alright. I couldn't see myself living with who I had let myself become any longer.
I walked away from music and made a promise that I would never pursue music again until I could fix what was broken within me. 5 years ago I began on this journey, a journey I had TRIED and failed at miserably so many times, except this time failure was not an option. This time it was for real, this time I was doing it for me.
In the course of 5 years I lost 140lbs and underwent surgery this February to address the excess skin on my chest area as a result of the weight loss. I'm not done yet. There is still one more surgery to address the excess skin on my abdomen. There have been easy days and difficult days. There have been moments of complete depression and there have been times where I had to relearn to love my body in its current state of this process.
These photos are 5years apart (May 3rd, 2013 vs TODAY May 11, 2018). Working out is not easy, but living with who I had become was NOT an option anymore. If I made the change - you can too.

Rock & Roll Marathon, Working Out, Performing - Back To Life

After two months away from my gym, Performance360, I am back and loving every second of it. Incorporating this with my November Project - SD workout, my Run Strong Classes, Run Clubs and all are helping me to reach the next step in this journey I'm on.
Additionally, this year I have been incredibly lucky to be the Resident National Anthem Singer for ASC SAN DIEGO 2018 Season. In addition, I have in the past few monts performed the National Anthem for Hot Chocolate Tampa, Hot Chocolate San Diego, Hoppin Half Marathon Denver and the latest big news is that once again I will get to utilize my gifts tying in with my passion of running this June. After doing the National Anthem last year for Rock 'n' Roll Marathon Series in St Louis and Los Angeles, I'm beyond excited that this June I will be performing the Anthem for both days of Rock n Roll San Diego.
On June 2nd, I will be running the Rock n Roll San Diego 5k. On June 3rd, I will be running the Rock n Roll Half Marathon Relay. On both days I will be performing the National Anthem before the races. I'm so excited.
I always wait til the last minute to register for races. Lol, that said I think I should register for the races soon, right?

I'm still toying with the idea of making NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE tee shirts and selling them to help fund what will be the next surgery to remove the excess skin around my abdomen after my weight loss. Im not about that GoFundMe Life & I'm thinking if I get t-shirts that capture the message behind Not That Impressive, that we are ALL capable, we are ALL strong, we are ALL empowered, we ALL can. A reminder that everything I'm doing is not that impressive and that we should all strive to that mentality that no single one of us is greater or more capable than the next. I figure if I can get that on a shirt I can sell those not to fund my next surgery but in the very least to help with the cost, I'll be paying myself out of pocket. More on that once I get someone dialed in to design it.
For now the journey goes on, the vision is clearer, the drive is stronger. Good night and good love