I put on a happy face and fake self-esteem better than most people I know. I preach loving yourself to everyone and constantly battle moments where I don't love myself, where I look into the mirror and see a distorted, twisted, damaged and mangled version of the person everyone else sees. It's not everyday, but it's constant enough to where I have to put it all in check.
I forget sometimes who I was and that I'm no longer the same person I've fought so hard to seperate myself from. I forget sometimes how far I've come and how much better I am than I ever thought I would be. I forget that of all the doubters I had breaking me down, the biggest one was me. The loudest voice was my own.
I thought that after the surgery I would not have those feelings again, but I still have moments of feeling insecure. I went from feeling ugly due to the skin I was in, to feeling ugly due to the voices that continued to ring louder - telling me "I know who you really are". Telling me "You can't pretend you're not the same person inside".
It's not everyday, but it is some days. And I smile and laugh and joke and carry on feigning feelings of security in my skin, but it's not always the case. I'm not always confident. I'm not always happy. It's a work in progress and sometimes it's harder than others.
After this past week feeling ugly and holding these feelings inside, I woke up today and told myself this was a different day. I took some time for ME. Do I feel better or less depressed or less self-depricating than before? Not entirely, but even the realization and naming of what I'm feeling is a realization that it is JUST THAT. Feelings. And feelings as hard as they try, will never be truths. My truth is that I am strong, that I am beautiful, that I am loved. My feelings are the contrary, but my feelings are not my truths, nor will they ever be.
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